remembrance

One fine winter day I found myself staring into a young lady's décolletée (to this term I shall refer from now on as shirt-crack, for simplicity) and this wasn`t because I saw something that earned my liking. I was thinking about the effect of absence on the human perception. Now, I know that it does not seem too logical but the young lady had no tits whatsoever, and this titlessness really proved me that we can not perceive nothing.

I mean she had no tits whatsoever, but I kept on searching, looking at details, analysing her bra (push-up) and it was absolutely infuriating to see the lack of what should obviously be there. She was showing them off, right? for as far as I know that is the purpose of the shirt-crack. And this whole experiment nearly stopped at the point where I catalogued her as a flat chested girl who is on the implant waiting list, at silicones of course. But no sir, not this time, she was reading! Reading! Than I thought there must be something more. Checked the tits again. Nothing. And that was the moment when it struck me!

I denoted the obvious absence of something with the term nothing, thus making a fatal error. A very common one. Nothing is not a lack of certain elements. The lack of an element, or it`s absence is not nothing, it is negative perception (hard enough on its own, like try drawing a picture, but not by sketching the shapes, but the empty spaces between them), and nothing also cannot be something, thus through negative definition, nothing is:

The prisoners of I

It is said that democracy, in it`s purest state, is plain stupid because it abides any view, literally any view, even those which aim it`s destruction. And on the other hand is society. That egotistic machine that destroys itself whilst keeping the appearance that everything is jolly and we are all so happy. Now, I know it`s harsh to make this statement in the introduction but I like cutting to the chase.

So this is what I see:

1. modern society implies a bunch of rules which aren`t quite fit for the XXI. century because they are old-school (FTW!) and which cannot be kept under, well let`s say "artificial" circumstances, such as on the phone, video conferences and instant messaging. These things put a 6 feet thick wall of sh*t between you and the person who you happen to be conversing with.

2. society never really cares about you, or your opinions. The thing which is of utmost importance what are others thinking about you! Superficiality in its finest...I mean why should I give a rats ass about A or Bs opinion if I don`t even know them, not speaking of the circumstance in which I don`t even like them. And most probably you are like: ohh dude, don`t care that`s it. I do that, but there may be, and most probably there is a C who cares...and hence you have a handicap if you aren`t socially acceptable.

3. the old-school rules aren`t that good either, I think, like they impose a status and a lot of other things which impede the free flow of thought, feelings. Under a lot of other things I mean common sense. You are nice, because that is nice, I really like to be nice, sometimes but when I want to shout out: OK SHUT UP! why can`t I? Because it isn`t polite.

and thus we wind up eating crap on a silver plate. And we think we alone can manage all of it. Because this raging machine implies that you are alone! why? I have people around me, nice people, really awesome people, but society breaks us apart, kinda, but I guess what`s strong should last, the jungle rule as a cornerstone of civilization...and still I, why I again and again I, starting to hate it...and I(god why this word again?) want to use we! want to be as ants, a common, great intellect which still accepts individuals...but sadly what I am is the prisoner of I...

sadly whilst I wrote this, trying to break away from society and all its groups I was a non-conformist, probably a nihilist and something like an anarchist. But i`m none of those...I`m just fucked.

But hey, haters gonna hate.

Sunt normal,

Fiziologic vorbind,

și mental.

Tu mă minți

Atunci când spui ”te iubesc”

și mă alinți.

Nu suport,

dar totuși e ok, suntem...

de acord?

Nu, că

tu m-ai părăsit și nu pot

decât să...

Să nimic,

Ce am pierdut e

un amic!

Un amic,

un prieten, nu cea pe care s-o

fi iubit.

Să pleci,

și pe mine numai în coșmar

să mă vezi.

When you give up on remembrance
And the gods forget our vengeance
And loves flame slowly fades away
Darkness shall light our way.

Darkness and silence as He predicted,
And my soul is evermore addicted...
And this new world rises
And there are no more dices.

It is darkness, and silence and no charms
Just me and my aching arms.
And you...as memory of a past world
And hope that nothing will ever hurt.

How immensely fucked up can a human life get? The constant strain of life and death, both undeniebly present in any given existence, and none can be defined. And of course the concept of love; some say love is not enough, I say, believe and think, that love is enough if the lovers are only preoccupied by love itself and exclude the factors that this wretched and wile world supplies them with. But maybe I`ll elaborate another time. This time it`s about the other two.

The one that is constantly looming, and the other which is reoccurring all the time. And mostly that sadistic pleasure which is called parenting. Parents love their children, most of the time, and this we can refer to as a fact. But why? I think it`s their selfcentredness. Every soul has uncertainties, equations that cannot be solved, stuff that cannot be sorted, and when the infant arrives, the parents realize that they have obtained a thing which is perfectly dependant on them. And that calms them down, reassures them; gives that new kick-start to their life, a reason to fight, go on and further similar ideas. One of such ideas is hope: of a better future, a better world. And each new-born with it`s purity and infinite potential is expected to obtain that. Does anyone now of a case of success? Because I don`t think I do. Hence the sadism.

And this leads us to my other subject. Death. The magnific, the one spell that instantly solves the problems of this world, and of other worlds I have no knowledge. Have you ever sat besides a dying person? I did. I felt the turmoil, the will to live and still the sublime presence of something beyond description. A thing which will certainly have the last word in any argument. And that unconscious desire to yield to the subtelty of it. And finally doing so.

And now, at the end, I have no idea whatsoever why did I write this. But it felt good. I hope you`ll like it.

Since I`m committed on Facebook

This is the last one that I write while still in love with you.

That is a promise that will never do

Maybe I will not write again

But something new began...

I began to construct a new world,

A world of wonders unheard,

And it keeps falling apart

And i can`t think of anything smart.

You, Love, were the joint that kept me running

And no matter what I`ll be doing

You will be part of or equal to

MY LIFE

Wide-awake

George, the middle aged, middle-class, middle height, middle everything man realized that he was sleeping up till now. He was living his life in a dream. A dream he thought true. And now as he thought it through he indeed agrees with himself upon many things. But he knows now that it is futile because it is all a lie. It is, not was because he will go on like nothing have happened. The most rational course of action.

She may have left, she could have stayed, she should have stayed. But she left. She was far too bright to realize that it is a mistake. George is in pain. Now, disillusioned, doubting she ever loved him he just lays and watches a point in the ceiling. That point defines him best. It cannot be seen by anyone else, but him. It is a point out of many. Just one point, a mere nothing which is a whole universe of flourishing dreams, feelings, sighs and touches. He vowed never to be with her again. Even if this meant crushing and crunching his soul to tiny shreds.

His foresight was very good indeed. She came back a month later. She realized that he was the one secure point in her life, that one point which ensured happiness. The only being able to touch her soul. And he said no. He said no and forbid her to commit suicide. Because he said so she did not do it. His world was turned upside down. He just threw away the only thing he truly desired. That he wanted. He wanted her with every cell of his being, but he vowed to say no. He sensed that he should not do that, but did it ever matter? No...it didn`t matter this time either. He just did it. And gone back to being a ruin. That was her punishment. To know that he is a ruin because of her. He knew very well that this is balance. That this is the cornerstone of the world, and that he helped the world go around. He also knew that their love would have lasted even if the axis of this world broke.

But the show must go on.

Szeretem hajadnak gyonyoru, lagy eseset,

S szemed gyonged,artatlan szenvedeset

Insomnia II

He glanced at the last molecule of smoke which had risen from his cigarette. He knocks the ash of a lot and stares at the cinder hoping it will reflect in his eyes. He wants fire in his eyes. Desire that consumes. Stumps the cigarette. Looks at her and sees nothing. This nothing is everything he isn`t and everything he desires. But still it is nothing and he precisely knows this. And lets the conversation slowly pass away into eternal silences of a few seconds. Lights another cigarette. Stares at the cinder. Looks at her. His reminiscent side is long lost and he is fresh out of feelings. He froze from the inside out. And nothing is haunting him. I beg your pardon, the nothing is haunting him. That is exactly why he swore not to have feelings. Not to love.

This awkward meeting never happened in reality. It is a part of his subconscience, a play in his head. An eternally reoccuring play. Infinitely sad and true. Thus he lights yet another cigarette alone as he has always been. Looks at the mirror. Goes out for a walk hoping to get this play out of his head. By far the worst idea he has ever had. It would have been better to stay at home mate. Out there in the buzzing world you will feel even greater solitude and you will know not who to blame. Why is it that you know with every fiber of your being that it ought to be someone out there to touch your soul? To break the ice. And still you can`t find that person. You just constantly dress up people and situations for a grand lie, an endless fancy-dress party, in which they come and feel what you feel within the intimacy of your own being. Lies, lies, lies.

Outside. No buzz, but a dead city. He avoided the crowds. He avoided any possible human contact. Then why, for the love of god, did you leave the safe heaven of your home, your protective shell? Sits on the riverbank. Lights yet another cigarette. Looks at his reflection in the water. The discontinuous image fascinates him. He always considered that his pulsating reflection in the window of the passing tram or bus is nothing else but his image from the perspective of others. They care, stop caring than they care again. But this reflection...ohh this is different. This is what he longs for. And this is what he thinks about while staring at the cinder. He longs for someone to care. At any given moment. Someone. Someone...

Temporal insanity. A passing moment of eternal value in which the human is in contact with the divine. This moment passed. Passed long ago. When he had that last kiss.

Inside. The day has passed. He goes to bed. Sleeps. And in his dreams he is staring at a mirror and sees fire in his eyes. And in his dreams he has quit smoking.

Insomnia

As I cannot sleep and everybody in my vicinity is doing that I write. I listen to faithless and write. I wanted to do so all day long. And to be sincere never wanted to find the time to. I wished that all these thoughts will go away...drift away in silence as a neglected sons coffin rolls out of a family`s life. But it haunts me(wouldn`t really care if it would let me sleep).Hell here it comes.

There is a promise one can`t ever break. A promise of love. If you truly love someone in your childhood, teenage years or even as an adult it will last till your last breath. I`ve seen this countless times. As a child I noticed that some ladies have an odd way of looking at my father. I did not know then why had they been so kind, and loving. Because of love. And there is even more to it. I saw that very same look quite a few times when I was with my grandfather. After sixty years or so those ladies have "the look" and he has "the look" and they chit-chat about daily nothings, doesn`t matter...it really does not because they have "the look". And even if one sometimes says nasty things, and detests the other, if love really existed the as the years pass "the look" shall make its appearance and thus the promise is kept. Not in wild tear-off-my-clothes way. But in a much much more subtle, refined and LASTING way. "the look"

P.S.: I love you

I hope I can sleep now...

Balance is cruel. But cruel is not negative. Nor positive. It is natural. And what is natural is beyond good or bad, beyond everything rational that humans can perceive with their minds. Like balance. Balance means you get and receive but not too much or too less, nothing that can be quantified. Balance is nothing. No plus. No minus. They say that there was a mathematician who invented zero. No zero could not be invented. It was discovered. Re-discovered to be precise. As humans evolved they have developed a thing called ego which is rational and which seriously damaged their way of perceiving things. They lost the “suprarational” such as: balance. Be it a personal or collective ego, it does not matter, the main thing is that then you say that I am the universe, or we are the universe which is absolutely true. I am the universe. What I don`t know does not exist (for me). And as I progress in knowledge the universe expands. But not like the common thing we know as universe. My universe, that which defines me, as it expands the interior is hollow. And because the external part is nothing too, the pressure balance(yet again balance) keeps it standing. I am not ego-centered. No I do not see only myself. I see the world that surrounds me. The rocks, flocks and lovebirds. And because I have an inquisitive mind I try to solve their problems. Thus I am rational, I exist. When I am not rational I do not exist. This is how I am. And this is the truth. The truth of my existence is that I don`t always exist. It may sound absurd but this is how it is. When I solve problems, rationalize I do exist. But when I try to solve some of my own problems there is a rupture in my existence. I cease to exist. This is my opinion about existence. To define it, to clarify my opinion: Existence is the process of rational, analytical thinking. And even in free writing and stuff like that one can find a thread of logic. But not in feelings. At least not in some of them. Come to think of it I talked earlier about balance and things that are beyond ration. Thus what I said is obsolete. Intreguing. They are part of the universe and are not rational. This is the only explanation for the fact that my existence is not continuous. When I do something that is natural, as I said before, I cease to exist.

Szeretem hajadnak gyonyoru, lagy eseset,

S szemed gyonged,artatlan szenvedeset

deathMirror

Five.

Our man Johnny is walking down the street. Stylish and cool as always.

Four.

He stops for a second to light his cigarette. Well it isn`t that simple. He gets his pack of cigarettes from his front right pocket. Chesterfield, as always. He gets out a cigarette holds it in his left hand then with his right he searches his other pockets for matches. Finds them. A single safety-match in his left hand between the thumb and the pointer. The cigarette between the pointer and the middle-finger. Cigarette in to the mouth. The match lights up. He patiently waits for the head to burn off and raises the match to the cigarette. It lights up and a nearly unobserved scent of smoke is inhaled in his nostrils.

Three.

He looks up and is absolutely astonished. The person gazing at him is nobody else but himself, in an older form. Same style. Same shirt. Same cigarette. Even the same trousers and backpack. The only difference is that Johnny has an mp3 player. They look at each other creeped.

Two.

They both let go of the match because it burnt their fingers.

One.

-You...

-Mister...

Zero.

Johnny collapses dead on the sidewalk. Heart attack. A line of chock and many tears kept him in the mind of people for a few days. But the old man remembered him until the end of his life. To be precise for 67 more years...

Adam and Eve

Adam was a man. He was perfection. Unique. But he was alone. He, being everything and nothing at the same time(perfection), longed for somebody. Thus he found Eve. She was unique too. Through Adam she became the one and only ruler of the world. And hence we can speak of paradise. They...the two of them...their relationship that was paradise.

Eve found the apple. The apple was and is the greatest curse. And because she ate the apple they fought. Paradise was lost. Cherubs now protect it. They had children happy moments, nothings compared to paradise. And they tried to get back. Tried hard. Shad blood, made wows but nothing worked. Nothing ever worked.

Their approach, dear friend, their approach was the wrongest one could possibly imagine. They tried to be cunning, they tried brute force and they did not realize that through a few magic words the cherubs disappear like they never were.

Even today hundreds of Adams and Eves get persecuted from paradise. And they too are victims of ill-faith. They too forget the magic words. They too are miserable.

Let this outsider try to remind all of you what the words are. Let he, who is beyond redemption tell you how you gain access to paradise.

"I love you and I`m sorry! Will you have me back?"

And if you really were in paradise then the gates will open up. And access shall be granted.

On the page margin of my roommates desires

Everybody wants something. My roommates want girls. I...well that letter describes far more then I currently am. And that is a sad part. It describes what I was...and what I am now. So. I want one girl. One single girl. And this is my shout out in the wilderness, my animal like, brutal, primal shout for this weird concept called world. This shout shall be my very last words spoken like a man.

Man- the utmost uncomprehensdable thing on the face of this planet in whose secrets you and I have countless hours, days and months of experience and still do not know how to control one, and only one, man: ourselves.

Death really fascinates me. It is something that you don`t want and still long for.

This free-writing stuff is really good. I love you. Those guys who first did this were genius. I mean I can just write here any crap that comes through my mind and it still has something of value in it.(wow beer really does boost my ego). I`m not really good at this yet, cuz normally i should not use any commas, fullstops and stuff like that, but for a mind of (a person who is becoming) an engineer that is pretty harsh. Like to put it in a tad simpler fashion it is like being a bus driver for 20 years and then suddenly you wake up that you are driving a tiny car. Two camels and a tiny car. Hah! I just owned you all. Well you pretty much know this if you are watching Ray William Johnson if not skip this part (-:. That inverted smiley stuff is really cool, If you put the inverted one and the normal one you`ll get a picture of love and peace. Like lookie:

(-: :-)

they are like laying back in the grass and being happy or anything like that. Most probably loving each other. Wow! This was the subject I wanted to write about before I took the sudden decision of doing the free-writing stuff. So love. I love. You love. I loved. You loved. We all know what it is and that is why it does not and can not have a definition. It is a function that unites two persons until they get to the global maximum point and then suddenly it falls to the global minimum point and afterwards, if it still lasts, it escalates between local maximum and minimum points. Basicly math`s crap. That is how I would want to define love. But sadly it`s other math`s crap. It is a fucking constant function that has the value of plus infinity. This is my definition of love. The other one(the max and min thingie) is only due to personal stupidity. I shall elaborate. Most probably you are not reading this by now so I can be free (like i was up till now, but now at least i am ok with it). Personal stupidity is the only thing blocking humans from being exalted in love. You put your own stuff before your love. And that is when you reduce infinity to a nuisance. Like dudes and dudetes! we do what mathematicians have sleazy dreams of. Awesome. And you know what is also awesome? that fact that I fucked up my life in such a way that if you look at it from the outside you`ll think that i have improved it.

P.S.: I love you! (good movie, and probably for whom it is intended shall not read this)

Do you know me?

Test it! Hungarian version: http://www.gask.ro/quiz/306770421/res/

You

First time in my life i`m happy alone. Red Hot Chilli Peppers, smokes, a bit drunk, and i feel completely alone. And I`m happy. I know that nobody reads this, but still I have to tell the world, through this weird and lovely alienating thing called the internet, that no matter how alone you are the only thing you need in your life is yourself. You can amuse yourself, you can do whatever you want when your alone. Feel free to get high, feel free to get drunk midday...you can amuse yourself. You are the key to your happiness. All you need is a bit of self-motivation and that`s that!

Dark room only my monitor is glowing, it`s light reflects in my eyes, the feeling of pure solitude, just me and my computer, so just me, and I am happy. Your not less if your not loved, your not less if you don`t love, your not less if your alone. You are yourself, and nobody is like you. You are the alfa and the omega of your world.

USE those godlike powers which you have been granted over yourself!

Yours sincerely,

Széplaky

I`ve just noticed something. My blog is pretty much depressed///and they say that i`m a happy person///maybe this new look will change something, or maybe not. It is very likely that i`m bitter and i shall remain bitter.

new

Since I`m writing for myself here, it won`t be a problem if instead of mumbling to myself i put my thoughts down. For myself of course. I like my thoughts. Like today. I loved today. After parting with Her i had this quite intriguing line of thought about sacrifice. Nothing`s worth a sacrifice. Nothing at all. But people often do sacrifice things for themselves, for others. But it`s not worth it. It`s not worth it if you think of it as a sacrifice.

Sensless ladykiller?Misunderstood lovebird?

I`m really interested in you folks opinion. I can clearly state that I did not heed Jackson`s advice("People always told me be careful of what you do /And don't go around breaking young girls' hearts"). Okay...it isn`t his advice :-))...But the essence is that I really did some bad stuff...caused a few(maybe more then a few[i can`t really decide on the number because of my overdeveloped ego])heartbreaks but dudes and dudesses look at this problem from my point of view...for only a second. I loved each and every of my girlfriends. Really, no double-crossing, not this time :-). I fell for them in a matter of days and then....nothing. The emptyness, the abyss inside took over. Well that`s not exactly true for every case but nevermind. Back to the subject. Don`t misunderstand me i`m not saying it`s them gals fault. No, it`s most probably my idiocy. But still...can I be condamned for this hole inside longing for love? Knowing this answer my question(title).

Daily routine

Get up. Survive. Go back to bed.
The daily routine I have had.
Now it`s a bit different, hell,
I just get up and do well.
Improvement you can say...
A correction if I may!
I`m doing well `cuz I`m addicted,
I just do as it was predicted.
Down, down the slope I go
Further down I meet a ho,
Look at the bright side!
I might find the bottom, right?
Well...no! But who the fuck cares?
I drink as much as my kidneys bear
I smoke as much as my lungs support
I guess this concludes my report!
Bye people, I love you all!
My life`s a failure, dysmal.

You do voodoo

Don`t know what you do,
But for me it`s voodoo!
You somehow bewitched me,
How I cannot see.

You are in my mind, my heart
This I really don`t mind, but...
But at least let me nearer,
Closer, my dear.

Don`t know what you do,
But for me it`s voodoo!
You somehow bewitched me,
How I cannot see.

Somehow I am obsessed,
Not at all depressed,
You just light my fire,
You`re my desire!

Don`t know what you do,
But for me it`s voodoo!
You somehow bewitched me,
How I cannot see.

Footnote of DeadslayerX: Who do the voodoo? You do?