Balance is cruel. But cruel is not negative. Nor positive. It is natural. And what is natural is beyond good or bad, beyond everything rational that humans can perceive with their minds. Like balance. Balance means you get and receive but not too much or too less, nothing that can be quantified. Balance is nothing. No plus. No minus. They say that there was a mathematician who invented zero. No zero could not be invented. It was discovered. Re-discovered to be precise. As humans evolved they have developed a thing called ego which is rational and which seriously damaged their way of perceiving things. They lost the “suprarational” such as: balance. Be it a personal or collective ego, it does not matter, the main thing is that then you say that I am the universe, or we are the universe which is absolutely true. I am the universe. What I don`t know does not exist (for me). And as I progress in knowledge the universe expands. But not like the common thing we know as universe. My universe, that which defines me, as it expands the interior is hollow. And because the external part is nothing too, the pressure balance(yet again balance) keeps it standing. I am not ego-centered. No I do not see only myself. I see the world that surrounds me. The rocks, flocks and lovebirds. And because I have an inquisitive mind I try to solve their problems. Thus I am rational, I exist. When I am not rational I do not exist. This is how I am. And this is the truth. The truth of my existence is that I don`t always exist. It may sound absurd but this is how it is. When I solve problems, rationalize I do exist. But when I try to solve some of my own problems there is a rupture in my existence. I cease to exist. This is my opinion about existence. To define it, to clarify my opinion: Existence is the process of rational, analytical thinking. And even in free writing and stuff like that one can find a thread of logic. But not in feelings. At least not in some of them. Come to think of it I talked earlier about balance and things that are beyond ration. Thus what I said is obsolete. Intreguing. They are part of the universe and are not rational. This is the only explanation for the fact that my existence is not continuous. When I do something that is natural, as I said before, I cease to exist.

Szeretem hajadnak gyonyoru, lagy eseset,

S szemed gyonged,artatlan szenvedeset

deathMirror

Five.

Our man Johnny is walking down the street. Stylish and cool as always.

Four.

He stops for a second to light his cigarette. Well it isn`t that simple. He gets his pack of cigarettes from his front right pocket. Chesterfield, as always. He gets out a cigarette holds it in his left hand then with his right he searches his other pockets for matches. Finds them. A single safety-match in his left hand between the thumb and the pointer. The cigarette between the pointer and the middle-finger. Cigarette in to the mouth. The match lights up. He patiently waits for the head to burn off and raises the match to the cigarette. It lights up and a nearly unobserved scent of smoke is inhaled in his nostrils.

Three.

He looks up and is absolutely astonished. The person gazing at him is nobody else but himself, in an older form. Same style. Same shirt. Same cigarette. Even the same trousers and backpack. The only difference is that Johnny has an mp3 player. They look at each other creeped.

Two.

They both let go of the match because it burnt their fingers.

One.

-You...

-Mister...

Zero.

Johnny collapses dead on the sidewalk. Heart attack. A line of chock and many tears kept him in the mind of people for a few days. But the old man remembered him until the end of his life. To be precise for 67 more years...

Adam and Eve

Adam was a man. He was perfection. Unique. But he was alone. He, being everything and nothing at the same time(perfection), longed for somebody. Thus he found Eve. She was unique too. Through Adam she became the one and only ruler of the world. And hence we can speak of paradise. They...the two of them...their relationship that was paradise.

Eve found the apple. The apple was and is the greatest curse. And because she ate the apple they fought. Paradise was lost. Cherubs now protect it. They had children happy moments, nothings compared to paradise. And they tried to get back. Tried hard. Shad blood, made wows but nothing worked. Nothing ever worked.

Their approach, dear friend, their approach was the wrongest one could possibly imagine. They tried to be cunning, they tried brute force and they did not realize that through a few magic words the cherubs disappear like they never were.

Even today hundreds of Adams and Eves get persecuted from paradise. And they too are victims of ill-faith. They too forget the magic words. They too are miserable.

Let this outsider try to remind all of you what the words are. Let he, who is beyond redemption tell you how you gain access to paradise.

"I love you and I`m sorry! Will you have me back?"

And if you really were in paradise then the gates will open up. And access shall be granted.

On the page margin of my roommates desires

Everybody wants something. My roommates want girls. I...well that letter describes far more then I currently am. And that is a sad part. It describes what I was...and what I am now. So. I want one girl. One single girl. And this is my shout out in the wilderness, my animal like, brutal, primal shout for this weird concept called world. This shout shall be my very last words spoken like a man.

Man- the utmost uncomprehensdable thing on the face of this planet in whose secrets you and I have countless hours, days and months of experience and still do not know how to control one, and only one, man: ourselves.

Death really fascinates me. It is something that you don`t want and still long for.

This free-writing stuff is really good. I love you. Those guys who first did this were genius. I mean I can just write here any crap that comes through my mind and it still has something of value in it.(wow beer really does boost my ego). I`m not really good at this yet, cuz normally i should not use any commas, fullstops and stuff like that, but for a mind of (a person who is becoming) an engineer that is pretty harsh. Like to put it in a tad simpler fashion it is like being a bus driver for 20 years and then suddenly you wake up that you are driving a tiny car. Two camels and a tiny car. Hah! I just owned you all. Well you pretty much know this if you are watching Ray William Johnson if not skip this part (-:. That inverted smiley stuff is really cool, If you put the inverted one and the normal one you`ll get a picture of love and peace. Like lookie:

(-: :-)

they are like laying back in the grass and being happy or anything like that. Most probably loving each other. Wow! This was the subject I wanted to write about before I took the sudden decision of doing the free-writing stuff. So love. I love. You love. I loved. You loved. We all know what it is and that is why it does not and can not have a definition. It is a function that unites two persons until they get to the global maximum point and then suddenly it falls to the global minimum point and afterwards, if it still lasts, it escalates between local maximum and minimum points. Basicly math`s crap. That is how I would want to define love. But sadly it`s other math`s crap. It is a fucking constant function that has the value of plus infinity. This is my definition of love. The other one(the max and min thingie) is only due to personal stupidity. I shall elaborate. Most probably you are not reading this by now so I can be free (like i was up till now, but now at least i am ok with it). Personal stupidity is the only thing blocking humans from being exalted in love. You put your own stuff before your love. And that is when you reduce infinity to a nuisance. Like dudes and dudetes! we do what mathematicians have sleazy dreams of. Awesome. And you know what is also awesome? that fact that I fucked up my life in such a way that if you look at it from the outside you`ll think that i have improved it.

P.S.: I love you! (good movie, and probably for whom it is intended shall not read this)

Do you know me?

Test it! Hungarian version: http://www.gask.ro/quiz/306770421/res/

You

First time in my life i`m happy alone. Red Hot Chilli Peppers, smokes, a bit drunk, and i feel completely alone. And I`m happy. I know that nobody reads this, but still I have to tell the world, through this weird and lovely alienating thing called the internet, that no matter how alone you are the only thing you need in your life is yourself. You can amuse yourself, you can do whatever you want when your alone. Feel free to get high, feel free to get drunk midday...you can amuse yourself. You are the key to your happiness. All you need is a bit of self-motivation and that`s that!

Dark room only my monitor is glowing, it`s light reflects in my eyes, the feeling of pure solitude, just me and my computer, so just me, and I am happy. Your not less if your not loved, your not less if you don`t love, your not less if your alone. You are yourself, and nobody is like you. You are the alfa and the omega of your world.

USE those godlike powers which you have been granted over yourself!

Yours sincerely,

Széplaky

I`ve just noticed something. My blog is pretty much depressed///and they say that i`m a happy person///maybe this new look will change something, or maybe not. It is very likely that i`m bitter and i shall remain bitter.