remembrance

One fine winter day I found myself staring into a young lady's décolletée (to this term I shall refer from now on as shirt-crack, for simplicity) and this wasn`t because I saw something that earned my liking. I was thinking about the effect of absence on the human perception. Now, I know that it does not seem too logical but the young lady had no tits whatsoever, and this titlessness really proved me that we can not perceive nothing.

I mean she had no tits whatsoever, but I kept on searching, looking at details, analysing her bra (push-up) and it was absolutely infuriating to see the lack of what should obviously be there. She was showing them off, right? for as far as I know that is the purpose of the shirt-crack. And this whole experiment nearly stopped at the point where I catalogued her as a flat chested girl who is on the implant waiting list, at silicones of course. But no sir, not this time, she was reading! Reading! Than I thought there must be something more. Checked the tits again. Nothing. And that was the moment when it struck me!

I denoted the obvious absence of something with the term nothing, thus making a fatal error. A very common one. Nothing is not a lack of certain elements. The lack of an element, or it`s absence is not nothing, it is negative perception (hard enough on its own, like try drawing a picture, but not by sketching the shapes, but the empty spaces between them), and nothing also cannot be something, thus through negative definition, nothing is:

The prisoners of I

It is said that democracy, in it`s purest state, is plain stupid because it abides any view, literally any view, even those which aim it`s destruction. And on the other hand is society. That egotistic machine that destroys itself whilst keeping the appearance that everything is jolly and we are all so happy. Now, I know it`s harsh to make this statement in the introduction but I like cutting to the chase.

So this is what I see:

1. modern society implies a bunch of rules which aren`t quite fit for the XXI. century because they are old-school (FTW!) and which cannot be kept under, well let`s say "artificial" circumstances, such as on the phone, video conferences and instant messaging. These things put a 6 feet thick wall of sh*t between you and the person who you happen to be conversing with.

2. society never really cares about you, or your opinions. The thing which is of utmost importance what are others thinking about you! Superficiality in its finest...I mean why should I give a rats ass about A or Bs opinion if I don`t even know them, not speaking of the circumstance in which I don`t even like them. And most probably you are like: ohh dude, don`t care that`s it. I do that, but there may be, and most probably there is a C who cares...and hence you have a handicap if you aren`t socially acceptable.

3. the old-school rules aren`t that good either, I think, like they impose a status and a lot of other things which impede the free flow of thought, feelings. Under a lot of other things I mean common sense. You are nice, because that is nice, I really like to be nice, sometimes but when I want to shout out: OK SHUT UP! why can`t I? Because it isn`t polite.

and thus we wind up eating crap on a silver plate. And we think we alone can manage all of it. Because this raging machine implies that you are alone! why? I have people around me, nice people, really awesome people, but society breaks us apart, kinda, but I guess what`s strong should last, the jungle rule as a cornerstone of civilization...and still I, why I again and again I, starting to hate it...and I(god why this word again?) want to use we! want to be as ants, a common, great intellect which still accepts individuals...but sadly what I am is the prisoner of I...

sadly whilst I wrote this, trying to break away from society and all its groups I was a non-conformist, probably a nihilist and something like an anarchist. But i`m none of those...I`m just fucked.

But hey, haters gonna hate.

Sunt normal,

Fiziologic vorbind,

și mental.

Tu mă minți

Atunci când spui ”te iubesc”

și mă alinți.

Nu suport,

dar totuși e ok, suntem...

de acord?

Nu, că

tu m-ai părăsit și nu pot

decât să...

Să nimic,

Ce am pierdut e

un amic!

Un amic,

un prieten, nu cea pe care s-o

fi iubit.

Să pleci,

și pe mine numai în coșmar

să mă vezi.

When you give up on remembrance
And the gods forget our vengeance
And loves flame slowly fades away
Darkness shall light our way.

Darkness and silence as He predicted,
And my soul is evermore addicted...
And this new world rises
And there are no more dices.

It is darkness, and silence and no charms
Just me and my aching arms.
And you...as memory of a past world
And hope that nothing will ever hurt.

How immensely fucked up can a human life get? The constant strain of life and death, both undeniebly present in any given existence, and none can be defined. And of course the concept of love; some say love is not enough, I say, believe and think, that love is enough if the lovers are only preoccupied by love itself and exclude the factors that this wretched and wile world supplies them with. But maybe I`ll elaborate another time. This time it`s about the other two.

The one that is constantly looming, and the other which is reoccurring all the time. And mostly that sadistic pleasure which is called parenting. Parents love their children, most of the time, and this we can refer to as a fact. But why? I think it`s their selfcentredness. Every soul has uncertainties, equations that cannot be solved, stuff that cannot be sorted, and when the infant arrives, the parents realize that they have obtained a thing which is perfectly dependant on them. And that calms them down, reassures them; gives that new kick-start to their life, a reason to fight, go on and further similar ideas. One of such ideas is hope: of a better future, a better world. And each new-born with it`s purity and infinite potential is expected to obtain that. Does anyone now of a case of success? Because I don`t think I do. Hence the sadism.

And this leads us to my other subject. Death. The magnific, the one spell that instantly solves the problems of this world, and of other worlds I have no knowledge. Have you ever sat besides a dying person? I did. I felt the turmoil, the will to live and still the sublime presence of something beyond description. A thing which will certainly have the last word in any argument. And that unconscious desire to yield to the subtelty of it. And finally doing so.

And now, at the end, I have no idea whatsoever why did I write this. But it felt good. I hope you`ll like it.

Since I`m committed on Facebook

This is the last one that I write while still in love with you.

That is a promise that will never do

Maybe I will not write again

But something new began...

I began to construct a new world,

A world of wonders unheard,

And it keeps falling apart

And i can`t think of anything smart.

You, Love, were the joint that kept me running

And no matter what I`ll be doing

You will be part of or equal to

MY LIFE

Wide-awake

George, the middle aged, middle-class, middle height, middle everything man realized that he was sleeping up till now. He was living his life in a dream. A dream he thought true. And now as he thought it through he indeed agrees with himself upon many things. But he knows now that it is futile because it is all a lie. It is, not was because he will go on like nothing have happened. The most rational course of action.

She may have left, she could have stayed, she should have stayed. But she left. She was far too bright to realize that it is a mistake. George is in pain. Now, disillusioned, doubting she ever loved him he just lays and watches a point in the ceiling. That point defines him best. It cannot be seen by anyone else, but him. It is a point out of many. Just one point, a mere nothing which is a whole universe of flourishing dreams, feelings, sighs and touches. He vowed never to be with her again. Even if this meant crushing and crunching his soul to tiny shreds.

His foresight was very good indeed. She came back a month later. She realized that he was the one secure point in her life, that one point which ensured happiness. The only being able to touch her soul. And he said no. He said no and forbid her to commit suicide. Because he said so she did not do it. His world was turned upside down. He just threw away the only thing he truly desired. That he wanted. He wanted her with every cell of his being, but he vowed to say no. He sensed that he should not do that, but did it ever matter? No...it didn`t matter this time either. He just did it. And gone back to being a ruin. That was her punishment. To know that he is a ruin because of her. He knew very well that this is balance. That this is the cornerstone of the world, and that he helped the world go around. He also knew that their love would have lasted even if the axis of this world broke.

But the show must go on.

Szeretem hajadnak gyonyoru, lagy eseset,

S szemed gyonged,artatlan szenvedeset